Let's Think About It Podcast

Episode 70: The Hidden Burnout Trigger - When Helping Everyone Drains Your Energy

• Morice Mabry • Season 3 • Episode 70

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Episode Summary 

High achievers often wear every hat in the room. At home they are the fixer. At work they are the go-to. Then they wonder why they feel exhausted, resentful, and low-key burned out. In this episode, Coach Mo and Coach A-Mo break down the two hats leaders and caregivers wear most: the “Big Mama” hat (I solve it for you) and the “Thought Partner” hat (I help you solve it for yourself). They show how staying in fixer mode pulls you into other people’s stories, drains your energy, and lets the punk ass inner critic run the narrative. You will learn when to put up guardrails, how to shift into a solution-focused stance, and how the S.W.A.G. framework (Self-Awareness, Why-Power, Aligned Action, Grit) helps you lead self before leading others.

S.W.A.G. Framework Cheat Sheet

Inner Arena Leadership

Key Takeaways

  • Fixer mode leaks energy. When you always wear the “Big Mama” hat, you take on everyone else’s emotional baggage and start feeling their stress as your own.
  • Guardrails protect your power. The moment you feel “here we go again, I have to fix this,” that is the signal to switch to the Thought Partner hat and ask open-ended, solution-focused questions.
  • Thought Partnering builds ownership. Asking “What steps are you going to take?” keeps you out of their story and strengthens their problem-solving muscles.
  • Performing leadership vs. being leadership. Performing leadership is about getting the ROI. Being leadership is about leading self first so the work feels lighter and more authentic.
  • S.W.A.G. is the trigger. Self-awareness tells you your energy is cracking, Why-Power reminds you of your role, Aligned Action says ask the question, and Grit keeps you consistent.

Visit: MoriceMabry.com

SPEAKER_03:

Welcome to the Let's Take a Ballet on the channel. We're high achievers start performing and start transforming. I'm Coach Mo, sort of find core energy leadership coach, founder of the intervener, and creator of the Swannet Framework. Somewhelming, mind power, mind action, and grip. Around here, we train your mindset, challenge your limits, and turn pressure into purpose. Subscribe now and join me on YouTube at Swann Knight Coaching. So let's get your reps in. Welcome to another episode of the Let's Think About It Podcast. I'm your host, Coach Mo. And I'm here with my co-host, OG Mosley, aka Coach Amo.

SPEAKER_01:

Hey, what's up, Coach Mo? Thank you for inviting me back to the show. It's Coach Amo joining Coach Mo. Get in the flow to talk about. Let's think about it.

SPEAKER_03:

Let's think about it, brother. Let's think about it. And I got something that I want us to dive deep into to think about. I was sitting on this and I was working with a client actually, it really sparked the idea to come up with the hats that we wear in decision making. Okay? The hats that we wear in the decision making. And there's a couple of different hats that we typically wear. The decision making hat and that thought partner hat. Okay. You you got that look, like, man, where are you going with this, brother?

SPEAKER_01:

It's in my mind, okay. And I put on two different hats, and I hear what you're saying, Coach Mo, but take me down the rabbit hole. Help me have it.

SPEAKER_03:

Way easier if I put it in this storytelling format. So I was working with a client, and she was having these struggles about just carrying a lot of overwhelming type feelings, just a lot of weight, a lot of baggage. And I asked her, what do you mean by that? She says, I feel exhausted, I feel burned out because everyone needs me. I'm like, what do you mean? You know, at work, there's I'm up against the wall with all of these demands that's needed in my role. And she's a senior analyst, and there's a lot of decision making that she needs to make, and there's new staff and a lot of terms just happening within her team. But then on the personal side, she's a wonderful grandmother. She has a lot of personal things that's going on in her life, and she has to make decisions there. And she says, everyone is coming to her just for everything, for all these decisions that need to be made. So I asked her this question, Algie. First, I asked her, what do you prefer to focus on? Do you prefer to focus on the personal side or the business side of whatever you're going through? She's let's focus on the personal side. I said, okay, great. So she tells me the scenario of just what she's going through, a lot of this personal things that where everyone's coming to her for answers and decisions that she's feeling overwhelmed that she has to tell everyone what to do and how to do it. And I said, You know what you're dealing with, right? She's no, I have absolutely not, do not know what I'm dealing with. I said, The problem is you're wearing the wrong hat. She said, huh. So she's looking at me like, man, what the hell are you talking about? I don't got on no damn hat. This ain't Sunday. We ain't going to church. Come on, Coach More. What if we understand? So I said, we often wear a couple of hats. We wear the Big Mama hat, or we can wear the thought partner hat. I said, Do you know what the Big Mama hat is? She's nah. I was like, you big mama, you everyone comes to you. Everybody needs you. Everyone wants your decision. And so what does that mean? That means when you are wearing the Big Mama hat, in that moment, you have to fix everyone else's problems. And when you're in that mode of fixing everyone's problems, guess what that also means? You're in their story. That means because you're showing up to try to fix their problem, that means when you're in their story, you're carrying their emotional baggage as well. So when they're going through stress, you feel the stress with them because you own the fact that you have to fix it for them. That's Big Mama's hat. And most of us in those moments pride ourselves on being Big Mama, Big Daddy, Big Brother, Big Sister, Big Whatever on the personal side, right?

SPEAKER_02:

That's right.

SPEAKER_03:

That's the hat that we often wear that drains our energy because we're showing up as I have to be the one to fix it for those who are coming to me.

SPEAKER_02:

That's correct.

SPEAKER_03:

I have to be the problem solver. I have to provide the solutions to help you figure this out. And as I carry this weight, I'm indulged into your story. And your story, there's a different director. Who's the director when I'm into someone else's story?

SPEAKER_01:

Don't tell me it's that punk ass critic. Don't tell me that.

SPEAKER_03:

No way. Whoa. Not in not with Big Mama. It's the punk ass inner critic that's in that story that's directing the story because there's emotion all wrapped up into this. And with that emotion, there's judgment. And that's when the punk ass inner critic thrives his best in judgment. And so it's directing you in how you should feel in the situation for the person that you're trying to solve the problem for.

SPEAKER_01:

That can be very deep and complex, Coach Mo. Because what you're saying is, although I'm Big Mama, I'm also maybe a manager, right? At work, right? So that means that leadership can be multidimensional. Right. You have to be the visionary, you have to be the mentor, you have to be everything in to combat that punk ass critic. But that punk ass critic could be very different, depends on the person, right? So you might have to be the coach, you might have to be the counselor, you might have to at that point in time be the cheerleader, right? Or maybe just say the environments change. Or let's just say Big Mama's hat would assume, and I'm gonna do that, that it's more of a value-driven, it's more compassion, it's more of a connection because it's personal, it's your family, right? So those different hats that can be very complex depending on the environment you're in, depending on what decisions you make, depending on who that individual is.

SPEAKER_03:

But but here's what I'm saying, though, and it really resonated with my client because she felt exactly what I was describing. And as we talked through it, she said, Mo, you're right. I do feel like I have to solve everyone's problems. And when I'm in that role of being the problem solver, it's draining, yeah, it's draining, especially when I'm giving advice and telling people in my family what to do, and they're not following my instructions, and they repeat the cycle over and over, and that's demoralizing. And what do I do? You put up the guardrails. How do I put up guardrails? You wear the thought partner hat. That's the guardrails. Big mama hat, I'm telling people what to do. Thought partner hat, what is that exactly? Thought partner hat is a collaborative approach where you're asking open-ended questions to let your family members solve the problem for themselves, and you have your guardrails up to learn how you can support them in solving them their problems for themselves. It's a solution-focused frame of thinking versus a reactive frame of thinking. That's the difference.

SPEAKER_01:

Being more proactive instead of reactive. Exactly. It reminds me of one time when I took my son when he was younger. We went bowling. And when we went bowling, to help him learn how to bowl without the devastating effect of getting zeros, we put up the guardrails. So to help him learn and start having some successes without going down the gutter. Is that what you're talking about?

SPEAKER_03:

That's exactly what I'm talking about. That's exactly what I'm talking about. And going down the gutters in this scenario, what we're talking about, when you go down the gutters, that means your emotions have been hijacked. It's been hijacked in the fact that you really care about your loved ones, no doubt. And you want them to be in a better position than when they came to you, no doubt. And you're willing to do whatever possible to support them, no doubt. That's what makes you big mama, big daddy, big brother, whatever. That's why people come to you because you are the problem fixer. That's right, right? But at some point, you're leaking energy because it's you that's coming up with all the solutions to help people move forward. And what I'm saying is, when you put the garwells up, you're coming more from a collaborative viewpoint through asking open-ended questions. And what I mean by here's an example. So stressed at work. Mom, dad, I don't know what to do. These people are getting on my nerves, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Right. The Big Mama hat will say, baby, this is what you need to do. You need to this, you need to stop talking to those people, and you need to just tell those people to go to hell, right? Whatever. That's right. That's the advice. However, that looks right. What I'm saying is instead of doing that, try this. It makes sense that you're feeling stressed at work. What steps are you gonna take to overcome that stress? That's right. Just ask that question and zip it. They'll probably say, I don't know. That's why I'm asking you. Then I will reply, I don't know either. I don't walk in your shoes the way that you walk in your shoes. The way I approach it may be different than how you approach it. That's right. So think about it. How would you approach this?

SPEAKER_01:

You see what I'm doing? I would put on that hat, Coach Mo, and understand that a lot of people, and I mean, I've met a lot of people that want to change their circumstances. But until they are willing to change themselves, I don't care if you have Big Mama's hat on or what hat you have on, but I like that approach because asking that question, they really know the answer.

SPEAKER_03:

They do know the answer. And the reason they come to you is to be validated, they're coming to you to really be validated of their decision, and also the big mama hat, big daddy hat, whatever you want to call it, it takes we take a lot of pride in being in that role too, though.

SPEAKER_02:

That's right.

SPEAKER_03:

We have a lot of pride in that, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. And I'm not saying to stop being in that role. But what I'm what I am saying is when your energy starts to crack and it's leaking, and you're starting to feel this overwhelming feeling that here we go again, I gotta fix somebody else's problem. When you get to that's the signal to put on your thought partner hat.

SPEAKER_01:

That's correct. That's what I'm saying. So can you back that up and say that one more time? Because I don't think the audience really heard what that solution is.

SPEAKER_03:

The solution in that moment, when you feel as though your energy is leaking, meaning the overwhelming feeling that you have in needing to fix a problem is actually the signal to put on your thought partner hat. The signal of the thought partner hat means I need to be solution focused and ask an open-ended question. Yes, that's what it means. So let's take this to the work side. Let's think about this for the people at work. Same thing. Instead of saying Bit Mama hat, your supervisor hat, your director hat, your manager hat, your senior lead analyst hat. Same thing, same concept, right? You pride yourself on making decisions for your team. You pride yourself on people coming to you for solutions, and you pride yourself on fixing them, and you're doing good at fixing their problems. Damn good, not knocking it. This isn't about you need to stop being that. That's not what this is about. This is about those moments when your energy is cracking and it's leaking, and you're feeling here we go again. Damn, I gotta tell this person what to do, I gotta fix another problem. That moment, it's that moment that I'm talking about that becomes the trigger to put on your thought partner hat. And when you put on your thought partner hat, Coach Amo, when you put on that thought partner hat, yes, you can move mountains, brother.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, it's almost when you put on that thought probing hat. Imagine, if you will, the value of putting on that thought probing hat. You realize that growth requires versatility, right? That you have to be versatile as a leader, that you have to step into multiple roles and learn faster. You have to build trust deeper in those situations when they're looking at you, they value everything that's about you that put you and gave you that title, right? You have to leave an lasting impact at those moments, they're very crucial to you and your employees, right? So wearing many hats sometimes it's about a badge of growth that shows you've learned to serve in whatever capacity your team or community needs. That putting on that hat is in the in the cartoon world, that's the bat signal. Exactly.

SPEAKER_03:

But in order to recognize the bat signal, you gotta have swag, brother. You gotta have swag.

SPEAKER_01:

You tell me you in order to see you the bat signal? Come on now. I used to see that as when I was a little kid and watching that cartoon, and it went up in the sky. It's almost like the kings and the and they the beam. And you telling me something different, Coach Mo.

SPEAKER_03:

See the signal, everybody sees the bat signal, but there's no meaning behind what you see when you look at that bat signal. See, with swag, and that trigger happens, you remember self-awareness, why power, aligned action, and grip. There's purpose in that, there's action in that, there's a shift that happens in that. So everyone sees the bat signal and they keep walking down the street. That's like a normal guy. Oh, there's Batman, he's about to go help somebody, whatever. But when you see the bat signal, shit, man, you changing out of your uniform, you going into Batman mode.

SPEAKER_01:

I'm in the old school phone booth, almost like Superman, up in a way, right? Or where's that underdog? Either way, the superhero steps to the plate and has on the right hat for the moment to save Gotham City.

SPEAKER_03:

That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying, and we all carry that though. We all carry it, and what I'm doing is just putting consciousness on it right now that absolutely you have the right to fix other people's problems and enjoy doing it. But the moment you're cracking and you're feeling overwhelmed from doing it, put on the thought partner hat. And you keep that energy moving forward, right? Because here's what's happening you pride yourself on helping solving, helping to solve people's problems, and that creates this energy, and you feel good about it, you fixing people's problems, right? But then what happens is you're providing advice, you're fixing problems, and then things aren't going as well as you want it to go. So you have this viewpoint, and something shifts where you start to feel a little drained because people are coming back to you over and over again, and now you're questioning why can't they fix this themselves, or why do I gotta keep doing this? Whatever that narrative is, right? That's correct. That's the crack in the energy of what I'm talking about, and to shift that to maintain that high level of authentic being of wanting to serve others, just put on that thought partner hat, and that will maintain that energy that you once had in helping people solve their problems. That's what I'm saying. So you know what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_01:

So, what you're saying to me is that if I feel like I'm stretched thin and I put on that hat, right? And I knowing that I wear I'm not just wearing many hats, I'm shaping many lives, and that's what leadership is all about showing up in many different ways, but with all the same purpose in order to be it forward.

SPEAKER_03:

So absolutely, brother, absolutely, but there's a better way to be it forward, and that's what I'm sharing. That's what I'm sharing because when we talk leadership, we're showing up to perform leadership. What I'm teaching is conditioning and leading self first.

SPEAKER_02:

That's correct.

SPEAKER_03:

We're conditioning how we lead ourselves, and most leadership programs and how we're brought up in leadership, we're taught to perform leadership.

SPEAKER_01:

Coach Mo, can you break down the difference between the two?

SPEAKER_03:

Because I think the people really need to understand that there's a difference, there's a difference because performing leadership, your goal is to get the ROI, tell people what to do, and delegate. I I gotta fix this, I gotta put out that fire, I gotta hit these numbers, I gotta hit this ROI, I gotta make these sales, I gotta build this team, I am performing leadership. That's leadership, okay. What I'm teaching is leading, conditioning to lead self first, okay, and you can do all the things that I just described, right? By leading self first, and when you learn to lead self first, you're not performing leadership, you are leadership, a good way, you're being leadership, and you're naturally lighter because you're you're wearing that thought partner hat, you're getting the thought partner hat, the thought partner hat at the end of the day is solution focused, and you're getting others bought into their own self-discovery patterns and their tasks that they need to get done, and you're showing up to support that. That's the difference.

SPEAKER_01:

And by being it, Mo, do you feel like it's a little bit more authentic in who you are being as a leader? Absolutely. Do you think people will respect you because of your authenticity?

SPEAKER_03:

So most people show up doing leadership, doing the work of leadership. What I teach when you come into the inner arena is being leadership. Because when you can be leadership, it's effortless, but it takes conditioning, it takes reps, and that framework, that model, and how you build those reps is through swag, self-awareness, why power, aligned action, and grid. And when you start to master that framework and applying it to yourself, personal or professional, right? That's right. You're being leadership. And when I say being leadership, not necessarily meaning being leadership in the sense of a title, you're being a person who leads himself first and understands how to lead self first. That's being leadership, and that's what I mean, and that's how I break this down.

SPEAKER_01:

So it goes back to the same format I was talking about, Mo, right? When you put on that right hat, you are not eeing it forward, right? You are being it forward. You realize that you are a little bit more than the golden egg, you are authentic, you are the goose. You're not peeing it forward as the as I've been taught, right? But I'm being it forward as I've learned.

SPEAKER_03:

Absolutely. And yeah, everything that I say or mention, it sounds peachy, it sounds golden, it makes sense, but the real battle is dealing with that punk ass inner credit. Because it's it's really working right now to probably discredit everything that I say to keep you in your same habit. And that's what it is, and I'm good with it. This isn't about honestly, Coach Amo, this isn't about me motivating you. This isn't about inspiring podcasts and trying to make a movement. It's just is. It's just is. Yeah, it's just thinking about it. Yeah, let's get to the core of it. Let's think about this. Let's really think about this. How do I move the needle to shift my habits? And wearing the thought partner hat is one strategy to move that needle.

SPEAKER_01:

As I think about it, Coach Mo is discovering like the purpose behind each hat, right? So if you put on that visionary hat, but helps people see the bigger picture or what others can't, right? So you're being that eagle, right? You're being the coach, put on the coach hat. It helps people guide and encourages others, or you can put on a servant hat and reminds people to stay humble and lead with empathy, or maybe even a strategist hat, right? Where it keeps you organized, as we were talking earlier today. Or maybe you can be that parent and you have a protector hat that ensures your people feel safe and supported. But each hat, to me, based on what you said, represents responsibility. It's not just a role that you play, it's rooted in the service you provide.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, and then whatever hat you're wearing, this is all I'm recommending is that when your energy starts to leak, and I'll define that again. Energy leak means the overwhelming, draining feelings that you have, as it represents a certain dynamic that you have to deal with, and when you're experiencing that, the thought partner hat can provide relief. That's right. To seal up the cracks of the energy leaks. That's what today was about. Teaching that. And someone will say, How do I remember to put on that thought partner hat? That's where the reps come in. That's where the reps come in, that's the swag concept. Up the framework, awareness, the self-awareness, the Y power, the aligned action, and the grid. I'll also have a free cheat sheet, a swag framework cheat sheet that's free to download as a reminder for you. And just use that framework. And it's all reps, Algie. That's what it's all about. It's about reps. Repetition. That's right. Just the habit. That's correct. Habit. That's right. And then you'll just feel it. You will know. And then in those moments when you need to put on your thought partner hat.

SPEAKER_01:

So in that feeling, right? And you know, I'm gonna say this, and what it reminds me is that when we slow down and we have a sense of awareness, and we put on that hat, right? It's not about the many hats that you wear, Coach Mo. It's about how many lies you touch by wearing them because you're conscious of which one you have and the impact may be devastating if you put on the wrong hat. So by taking time out, gathering your swag, leading self, the first thing you're gonna do is have a sense of awareness. And because you got eyes to see and ears to hear, you'll know that back signal is for you.

SPEAKER_03:

I appreciate you, man. I really do appreciate you for this conversation. Like joining me in this conversation because this is a real much-needed self-awareness conversation that people really don't understand how important these hats are and what it can do to your energy and for your energy. So thank you.

SPEAKER_01:

Thank you, brother. You're welcome, Coach Mo. It's a beautiful thing where not only you can help people think about it, but to be about it. That's right. Be it for it. I got swag. Ha ha until next time.

SPEAKER_03:

That's another rep in the inner arena. You didn't just listen, you leveled up your swag. Self-awareness, why power, aligned action, and grid. If this hit home, share it, subscribe to the Let's Think About It podcast, and log in with me on YouTube at Swag Coaching. Until next time, stay aware, lead with your why, act in alignment, and keep your grid strong.